"You Look Like Shit" And Other Endearing Terms from my Mom

Ah, motherhood. The slap-in-your-face reality check you are never really prepared for. It's the constant reminder that your old life filled with sleep, sanity, and sex is now gone. Long fucking gone. And all you are left with is a shadow, nay a fraction, of the person you once were before this tiny human came along and ruined everything. You cling on to dear life to some sort of resemblance of "having it all together" and you try so, so hard to keep your home and life in order. But fail miserably.

Good thing you have a great support system here to boost you up when you're feeling low. Or so you support system says...

Isn't it great when your own mother tells you with a concerned look and furrowed brow, "Honey, you really look like shit. Are you okay?" No, mom. I'm not okay. I'm a mom. And I'm tired. And, aren't you supposed to understand all this? And I look like shit? I actually did my makeup today. WTF! 

Ugh. Leave me alone mom. Just 5 more minutes!

Ugh. Leave me alone mom. Just 5 more minutes!

You see. my mom is one of those incredibly helpful, over-the-top parents who really goes out of her way to help with literally everything. It's awesome. But, just as helpful as she is with the baby, is just about how blunt she is with everything else: very.

I can't be the only one with a mom or MIL who tends to poke their nose where it doesn't belong, can I? Do I have the white whale of moms or is this happening to other new moms (and possibly dads!) everywhere?

When I tell my mom that when she says things like, "you look like shit" it (shockingly) hurts my feelings. Her reply? "Oh, no, that's not what I meant!" So, is it me not understanding? Is it her sandwiching an insult between two compliments? Or is it that we are both moms still trying to figure this whole fucking parenthood thing out?

Let's break it down by my top mom-isms and I'll let you be the judge.

Scenario 1

What my mom said: You look like shit
What my mom thinks she said: You need more sleep, you just do so much and I am here to help. Do you need me to move in for a month so you can get your life back in order? 
What I think my mom said: Motherhood is slowly killing you and your $100 eye cream is not working.

Scenario 2

What my mom said: You don't need a house cleaner
What my mom thinks she said: Honey, you can do anything you put your mind to and I know my smart little girl can manage her time better to make room for taking care of her home. Do you need me to move in for a month so you can get your life back in order? 
What I think my mom said: You lazy ass. What do you mean you don't get up at 4AM to sweep and do the dishes? I mopped my house while breastfeeding you when you were a baby and walked uphill both ways to buy the frigging mop!

Scenario 3

What my mom said: When I was raising you, we did things this way.
What my mom thinks she said: I just want to help my baby girl raise her baby girl. Why don't you just try it this way and see if it works. If not, we will do it your way. Okay? Do you need me to move in for a month so you can get your life back in order? 
What I think my mom said: Why on Earth did God let you reproduce? You are so clueless. 

Scenario 4

What my mom said: Honey, you simply can't do it all. No one can!
What my mom thinks she said: You try so hard and I am so proud of you. We all are! Sometimes you just need to take a breather and relax. Do you need me to move in for a month so you can get your life back in order? 
What I think my mom said: I did it all when I was your age. 

Scenario 5

Mu husband and I when my mom is around

Mu husband and I when my mom is around

What my mom said: Where's your husband? Why isn't he helping?
What my mom thinks she said: Maybe he is out getting groceries or surprising you with flowers. Let's call him and see if he can come home early and help, is that okay? I know he works hard, you both do, but maybe he can work just a little bit harder, but maybe he is doing all he can! Do you need me to move in for a month so you can get your life back in order? 
What I think my mom said: You married beneath you and I think you should consider divorce. Have you guys had sex lately? We should talk about that.

Scenario 6

What my mom said: Do you need me to move in for a month so you can get your life back in order? 
What my mom thinks she said: Do you need me to move in for a month so you can get your life back in order? 
What I think my mom said: I am going to kill you slowly and there is nothing you can do about it.

To be continued....